Arthur Has it Worse Than Mario

Tale as old as time. The princess has been captured! The kingdom is in peril! The guards suck at their jobs.

When most gamers think of rescuing a distressed damsel, the Super Mario Bros. games are probably the first that spring to mind. After all, the entire plot of these games revolves around saving a woman that can't seem to pick flowers without being whisked off by the clutches of evil. The Ghost 'n Goblins games may not have the same level of fame as the Mario platformers, but the overall goal is the exact same; Arthur must save his lady love, Prin Prin. But between the two of them, I honestly think Arthur has it much worse than the plumber.

Now Mario is a pretty humble guy. He goes to great lenghts to save Peach. He runs away from angry suns, makes insane leaps over pools of lava, all to be told that "Our princess is in another castle" a whoping seven times. Any other man would have thrown his hands in the air and stormed off, but not Mario, no. He just keeps on trucking and for what? A kiss on the nose and some cake. Those are some vastly slim rewards for such a bold display of courage. I wonder if Peach realizes how lucky she truly is. Most men would never brave such odds to rescue their girlfriend. They'd probably just get a new girl, one that isn't so high maitenence.

Mario also gets a sweet arsenal of power-ups to aid him in his quest. Fire flowers, super leaves, karibo's shoe, the metal cap, propeller suits, and on and on. The fact that Mario gets such cool toys to play with along the way helps make a harsh journey a little easier.

Arthur, like Mario is also a very down to earth fellow and is more than willing to risk life and limb to get his lady back. But sweet, merciful heavens, the road that lies ahead of him is BRUTAL! He has to go all the way down to hell, fight Satan, the lord of darkness, just to win the day. Oh and the minions that Satan throws at you? Sure, most of them may be easy to defeat but they come at you in droves. The enemies that Arthur faces are like cockroaches. It doesn't matter how many of them you kill, there's always more. In fact, some of them will come back in the very same place that you've killed them, right there on the screen!

Depending on the game, Mario is able to take a few hits before he falls. Arthur? One hit and he loses his armor and he's gotta run around in his underwear. After that next hit, Arthur becomes a corpse. So while rescuing your woman in your undies might get you more bravery points, it can also be pretty dangerous, especially when the entire underworld is after your head.

Yeah, Arthur gets some special weapons to help him out, but you'll be lucky if you can hang on to them long enough for them to do you any good. On top of the hordes of enemies you'll be dealing with, the levels themselves are no cake walk. I can remember playing Super Ghouls 'n Ghosts and dying more than 20 times on the second stage. I must have been on masochist mode because I kept on playing until I passed level three. The game did not get any easier.

Remember how I said you had to go down to hell to beat Satan? Well, after you get there and take him down, you're treated to the mother of all the-princess-is-in-another-castle tropes. It turns out the entire thing was an illusion, a trick by Satan. You wanna get your girl back? You gotta play through the whole game again. Yes, Virginia, Arthur quiet literally has to go to hell and back and back again in order to truly be victorious. Bowser never had Mario go through his entire quest twice! Most folks I imagine would just shut the game off after that and I would not think any less of them if they did. The truly dedicated (insane) would go through it all again, trounce Satan, and win back the Prin Prin. Really, Arthur, is this woman worth all that?

The fact that the Ghost 'n Goblin games are infuriatingly difficult, have constantly re-spawning enemies and an ultra cruel fake out, requiring you to beat the game two times just so you can win for real proves that Mario is on easy street compared to Arthur. Mario may have more games, but Arthur's few titles trump Mario's plethora when it comes to challenge. I guess love really does make you crazy.