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Saturday, January 28, 2012

Video Game Characters I Hate

The gaming world is filled with some of my favorite fictional characters. Sonic. Mario. Mega Man. But since the world must have balance, just as there are video game characters I love, there are also characters that I utterly despise. These aren't just characters I cannot stand. These are some characters that I, as Kefka so eloquently put it, HATE! HATE!! HAAAAAAATE!!

Big The Cat (Sonic Series)

This big, dumb feline spends his portion of Sonic Adventure looking for his pet frog. Now I like pets, and I don't mind the plot behind an adventure involving rescuing an amphibian. It was the plot behind Blast Master, for crying out loud! But where as Blast Master was actually fun, playing Big's game in Sonic Adventure was the opposite of fun. The fact that this waste of space showed up as a character in Sonic & Sega All-Stars Racing is an unforgivable sin. Sega has a huge catalog of Sonic characters alone. Ray (from SegaSonic the Hedgehog, an obscure arcade game) or anyone from the Chaotix would have been preferable to Big. I guess I could tolerate Amy, but Big? FRICKIN' BIG?! No. Just, no. Big's inclusion is puzzling to me. Even more baffling is how that fatty managed to say on his bike without it falling apart under his massive weight. That two wheeler is way too small for Big's fat buns. 

Bowser Jr. (Mario Series)

I don't have a problem with Mario's prime antagonist having children. The Koopa Kids in Super Mario Bros. 3 were a great addition to the series. But when this brat was introduced in Super Mario Sunshine, this was the one Koopaling that I did not welcome with open arms. While I wasn't a fan of his voice work in that game, even when he isn't being voiced, I loath Bowser Jr. Bowser Jr is like that embarrassing child you're ashamed to have standing anywhere near you when you're out in public. He's that bad. Bowser already had seven likable kids. Why did he need an eighth one? Further insult was added when Bowser Jr. was made the superior to the other seven Koopalings in New Super Mario Bros. Wii. These kids don't need a leader. I mean, they've already got daddy for that. Worse is his name. "Bowser Jr". This chump is really just an inferior version of his old man, unfit to carry the name Bowser and it irks me that he's even associated with the other Koopalings. I don't even wanna think about the unholy union that occurred to spawn this brat. No, scratch that. This kid can't be blood. I'm pretty sure Bowser Jr. was adopted and Bowser just doesn't have the stones to tell him. 

Tom Nook (Animal Crossing Series)

It matters not which Animal Crossing you play, the situation is always the same. When you first move into town, you have no place to call home. Tom Nook, the town's resident store owner and all around supplier of goods will hook you up with a house. In return you'll only have to be his slave. Did you think he was doing it out of the kindness of his heart? Please. Nook is a business man above all else and he intends to bleed your anus dry. You make that first payment on your house, think you're debt free, only to have your hopes dashed when Nook gleefully tells you the cost of paying for a bigger sized house. You really can't say no to this raccoon. And I mean that, you have to get those house upgrades even if you don't want them. Each time you do so, just means you'll be owning Nook more and more money. You'll hate Nook so much that the mere sight of him will make you want to do a Solid Snake on his neck.

Lakitu (Mario Series)

I already dedicated a single post on why I can't stand this member of the Bowser Koopa army so I'll try to be brief here. Lakitu is the primary reason why I HATE flying mooks in video games. For nearly 30 years he's pestered me. He caused me grief in Super Mario Bros. and has since been making my life a living nightmare. Basically, any game in which Lakitu is not holding a flag or behind a camera, you can count on him to be drooping Spinys to get in your way. Lakitu actually came down from flag duties and got behind the wheel on Mario Kart 7. Sucks for him because after all the pain he's caused me over the years, I'm gonna hit him with whatever offensive items I get out of spite. If a way to put a living person into the Mario games is made possible I will go in there and I will get Lakitu. I won't stomp on him. I won't hit him with a fire ball from a Fire Flower. No that's too good for him. I will take one of his own Spiny shells and I will bash his skull with it and I won't stop until he's a bloody smear on the ground of the Mushroom Kingdom.

Edward Gilbert (Final Fantasy IV)

When we meet Edward, the love of his life dies and he goes through some moping. I'm sympathetic, but sympathy only gets you so far. Before and after Edward gets over his depression he still isn't very useful as a party member. What kinda person cowers while your friends put their lives on the line in battle? That's right, while the other members are out fighting the good fight, Edward hides off screen to save his own worthless skin when he gets low on HP. When he's not being a coward, he's healing the party... at the cost of your healing items. The only thing that justifies Edward's existence is the famous line spoken by the deceased Tellah.

These are the only characters I could think off off the top of my head. There will probably be another installment to come in this series. It's a big video game world so I'm sure there will be more characters that make my hate list.


dste said...

Could not agree more on Big the Cat, absolutely cannot stand him after he appeared in Sonic Adventure. Capturing Froggy was such a waste of time and life. Though I don't he was actually that bad in Sonic Chronicles but unfortunately the damage had already been done.

I don't mind Lakitu, can be a pain in the arse but what enemies can't be?

The Strikester said...

I loathe Lakitu even more than you. If Call of Duty ever mixed with Mario he'd be my first target!

Reggie White Jr. said...

@dste, yeah, Sonic Adventure pretty much killed any chance of me viewing Big as a likable character.

As for Lakitu, he's just one of those mooks that grates on my nerves.

@The Strikester, someone hates Lakitu more than me? I didn't think that was possible.